the day after, the day before....

On Sunday, a group gathered in my home to wish Annalise well on her trip to New Guinea. This included neighbors, friends and family.
The only way to get my family together is to circle the wagons around Annalise. Which is fine, which is the way it is.

I love it when new friends meet old friends, meet neighbors, meet family. It's the modern version of a peasant fire dance.

No one was invited via facebook.

Tonight, I'll walk Annalise through her travel arrangements, we'll do last minute packing and checking. This is for me, not for her. She is ready to go. I'm ready for her to go on this adventure, too. One doesn't have a child so they can live small and close by. I always knew that girl had big things to do in the world.

I was the same way. I am the same way, or I should say, I'm remembering that I am the same way. She comes by it honest, is all I'm saying.

I've not been one to assume I'd live in the same city all my life, or do the same work forever. I've often wished I could be the kind of person who liked just staying where they are and doing what they do. Perhaps I've never found my place, or my work, or maybe, again, it's just the way I am.

I went to a Zen talk on Saturday morning. I was too late for the meditation, so while they all sat and pondered, I pondered over coffee and a breakfast taco. The talk was about a lot of things, but what rapped on my noggin was the concept of beginner's mind, which is essentially, the essence of zen.

Beginner's Mind is having an open mind. When you already know something, when you think you've got it all down and figured out, beginner's mind is about having an attitude of openness, eagerness, and lack of preconceptions, just as a beginner in that subject would. Here's an essay for further reading.

Every day is new, brand new. Every person you know, you don't know. You don't know when the last time you will be some place you go every day, kiss the lips you wake up to each morning, or read something you think you know by heart. So, when you show up, be open, eager, and ignorant.

Do this for a day, as an experiment. It's harder than it seems.

"In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's there are few." - Shunryo Suzuki-Roshi

Per-spec-tive

earth moving....

The first earthquake I felt and remember was in Seattle in 94, I think. Annalise and I were in our tiny house and just home from school and work. There was quiet, then there was the feeling that the earth was rolling under our feet, like our house was on a big oak barrel.
She said, "that's the biggest thing that's ever happened to me..."
She was 7.
Bigger things have happened since, but I still remember that feeling that the world is out of our control, out of our hands, and moves on it's own time and laws that involve shifts deep in the hot core of the planet.

The Chinese quake has already claimed almost 20,000 lives. It's hard to wrap my mind around that. I try, but I can't do it. It doesn't feel real way over here. If I saw it, I would probably use some pyschological method of making it seem even less real.
It's that horrible.


and, what do we make of it over here?

We hear about rescue workers and children trapped under their school building. A lack of water and lots of rain and tens of thousands of bodies under sheets, and injuries and fear.

We can send our good wishes. That's easy.
We can pray and feel grateful. Pretty simple, too.
But, if you want the people to feel your support, you gotta send money. Either through an organization that will pool it into bigger money or on your own.
In this case, money does equal support and love and "i'm thinking about you.

When horrible things are far away, it doesn't mean we don't need to think about them. We're all on this planet together. The media has made sure we know and see what's going on across the world.

Here, we're thinking about New Guinea and malaria pills and long flights and adventure and excitement and seeing a part of the world we've only read about. I'm not going, of course, this adventure belongs to Ace. Still, I'm in full support of it and very excited and grateful.

if everyone could float...

down the river, early on a Sunday morning, with people they care about
quick zips through the tube shoots and rapids
followed by slow stretches looking at the sky through the leaves of a big tall tree
the world would be happy more often

that's what I did on M-Day.

Then I had lunch at Greune Hall, then I watched the sunset.


So begins another week....

What I didn't give her could fill a thousand notebooks. Lists I would make of things I wish I had done differently, better, with more wisdom, more strength, more heart, more compassion, more and more and more.
And more.

I gave her me.
I have her a customized, made to order Mom with all of my messy, gooey love.

Wait.
I feel like I should talk about the struggle, the challenge of parenting and the special challenges of parenting solo. It's in all the papers. It's hard, it promotes gang violence, they say.
Consider it discussed.
Like dust in the window, it just doesn't settle or stick.
Not with us.

Let's not forget the fun.
Let's not forget how cool it is to always have a little buddy around who loves to hang out with you. Let's not forget flying kites and riding bikes and slumber parties. Let's not forget Halloween and Christmas mornings.

I did some crazy things, between 2 and 2 million crazy things. I made a "healthy birthday cake" with no sugar or chocolate. I tried to get my girl interested in robot building. I learned from these. Cakes need sugar and chocolate. Not everyone will want to learn about robots.
It's important to try new things.
It's good to take a few risks.

It's good to be a Mom.
You're own kind of Mom.
The best you can be.
It makes you smarter.

Yeah, it will take a lot out of you.
Yeah, you're work is never done.

Do it anyway.

Make a list of the kind of Mom you think you should be.
Then, be the Mom you are.

Make fun memories.

Batman, this makes me kinda sad...

summer questions...

On a perfect Saturday, in my house, things are all good. Things are quite great. I have good, interesting work to do. Good interesting friends and yet, the summer is bringing some big changes to Rosedale Avenue.

I'll get Ace on the plane to New Guinea a week from next Monday. I'll get all my work in tidy piles and head to the mountains for a week. I'll come home long enough to shoot a show, then I'll head to San Franciso for a bit. The rest of June and July are committed with summer camps and more shooting.

By Fall, I'll know more about what's next. It kind of depends on two things. The first thing is simple enough, yet it's just not clear yet, and it will become clear. The second thing depends on how hot it is this summer. If it gets hot enough for me to jump into Barton Springs without a push, that may be all the sign I need.

In the mean time, I'm enjoying my life, my house, my neighbors, and my clean white sofa. I love the way things are going, I'm happy. No complaints and no hurries.

Today Annalise is spending time with her youngest half brother, here in Austin. I got to visit with both of them for a bit. I'm glad they have each other and they like to spend time together.

bigger world...no words

It's a bigger world than it used to be. For me.
For all of us, possibly.

I started the morning with a long run with my friend then went to breakfast with two brand new friends. I was hungry and sore, thanks to my new tonic training circuit classes which are kicking my muscles to the curb. Still, there's nothing like breakfast with good new friends who are funny to make you forget about sore muscles.

I finished my second collage class tonight. More new friends, and a new way to "see."

I didn't have a single art class in high school or in college. I took a drawing class while in Seattle. In a dank, musty warehouse in the shipping district, I remember staring at my canvas trying to see, about to cry from frustration, when I finally put charcoal to paper and began to sketch. My teacher walks by, looks at me, my sketching, "you've got a real no bullshit style, I like it."
Later when we did life drawing, I drew my naked man in green.

I've become a little less afraid, yet I'm still new at this. It all feels new, thinking about where to put some paint, some paper, what colors to use, and then suddenly, not thinking at all.

The thing I've learned is that even if you don't "know art", your intuition or your gut or your inner whatever-it-is, does know. It knows when things should be a little darker and when you need a little something up top. So you keep going and you add and you remove and you glue and you paint and then you look up and try to see it again. That's when you really start thinking again.

I'm still in the heads down, flow-with-it and go-with-it stage.

I found this poem again the other day and I still love it. Rexroth was a beat poet, known for his erotic verse.

This one goes with my art experience, at least I see it that way. The thing about a great poem is that it work for all of us shades different. Like art.

No Word
Kenneth Rexroth

The trees hang silent
In the heat . . . . .

Undo your heart
Tell me your thoughts
What you were
And what you are . . . . .

Like bells no one
Has ever rung.

had a good weekend....

I had a great weekend. I spent almost one whole day of it at my kitchen table, playing with paint and paper and glue. A friend came over with a bottle of wine around 5 and this continued over pasta. Saturday I watched the UTFI presentations and did some socializing. I've stopped working on the weekends, for the most part. I don't get the paper either.

While I spent the weekend having a nice time, terrible things happened in the world.
I can't get this out of my mind:

Death toll from cyclone in Myanmar could reach 10,000
or this...
Death toll in Amazon rises to 17 in ferryboat sinking
or this...
Somalis riot over food prices

My life is so good and I count on my freedom to go to the store if I need to. Do I really even know how lucky I am, how lucky most of us are? How little we need and how much we have, keeps us all pretty comfortable and easily annoyed about things that don't matter at all. Are we lucky or are we just comfortable and a bit dim? I'm not sure....

When I was in my 20's I filled out my peace corp application, started getting references, then found my life would take a different turn, I became a parent. Maybe it's time to dust off that application again....